When I began this piece as a final project for my SSC, I wanted to create a portrayal of the feeling of constantly having to fill in parts of yourself, repairing imperfections to fit someone else’s expectations. But as the SSC continued, and I continued to work on and receive feedback for my piece, I learnt a bit more about flourishing. I realised that I didn’t have to be so hard on myself for not meeting expectations. Throughout this SSC I found that there was a kinder way for me to grow. Now, looking at this project after finishing my SSC, I look at this piece as an expression of my willingness to grow and develop to become the best possible version of myself.

When I began my creative enquiry, I decided I would double down on the idea of perfectionism and push myself to create something within a narrow time-frame, not allowing myself to make adjustments to the imperfections which I perceived in my work. I allowed myself only a long weekend to complete the project. My first attempt took me only 2 days of work. I was happy with it upon completion, but when I looked at it again after a few days, I was displeased with it. I wrestled with myself over whether or not to restart; to start again would mean ignoring part of my initial prompt, and completely dismissing the premise of working in a set time frame; but on the other hand I knew that I could do better and would feel regretful if I did not at least try to improve the mistakes I made.

I eventually did create a second piece, followed swiftly by a third, then a fourth. It was the fifth attempt which I decided was adequate enough for me to submit to my tutor.

As medics, we are often unwilling to share our experiences of mental struggles (despite studies showing that doctors have higher rates of depression and anxiety than the general public (1)) due to internal and external stigmatization (2). Even writing about the feeling of being imperfect feels risky, like I am being caught out in some big lie. The importance of sharing with each other our stories, through creative means or otherwise, cannot be understated – it is through understanding each other that we can learn to be kinder to ourselves and truly flourish.

References:

1 Gerada, C. (2018). Doctors, suicide and mental illness. BJPsych Bulletin, [online] 42(4), pp.165–168. doi:https://doi.org/10.1192/bjb.2018.11.

2 Knaak, S., Mantler, E. and Szeto, A. (2017). Mental illness-related stigma in healthcare. Healthcare Management Forum, [online] 30(2), pp.111–116. doi:https://doi.org/10.1177/0840470416679413.